One thing I’ve realised I am totally crap at is living in the moment. This year has been a bit of a weird one if I’m completely honest. With Shane being away and my decision to start freelancing around the TV world instead of sticking with my more permanent contract, I’ve found myself feeling completely out of control and that’s not something I’m too comfortable with.
I like knowing what I’m doing. As someone who pretty much lives by her own little routines and rituals, being out of control and not having a clue what I’m doing next leaves me feeling completely overwhelmed, and often I find myself close to tears as I worry about the next stage. Honestly, it’s bloody exhausting, and this constant feeling of counting down to the next step and worrying about the future is really taking a toll.
It probably doesn’t help that work has been really hectic lately, and I’m currently commuting a good 1.5 hours each way per day to get to work. I totally understand that this is the norm for many people, but this leaves very little “switch off” time and I find I am constantly overthinking. My brain is wired and even on the weekends I’m up early as I can’t sleep with worry. I’m thinking about the next week and even more so I’m thinking that with every week that goes by, I’m a week closer to potential unemployment and that I need to start looking forward to my next work contract.
I’m also getting so excited that next month Shane will be back home in sunny Wales and it means I can say goodbye to the loneliness I’ve felt a lot of this year. But I’ve come to realise that I am wishing the days away so that I’m another step closer to seeing him. It means that often I forget to embrace the moment I am in, and with September being my favourite month of the year, I need to just take a breath sometimes.
Today I went out for a walk around the lake with my mum. The sun was shining, the autumn air was crisp and clear, and all around us as we strolled were people enjoying their weekends. Children whizzing along the lakeside on push bikes, dogs barking at geese as they crossed the path, couples lounging in the late summer sunshine and watching the world go by.
I realised that this was the first time in ages that I had actually lived in the moment. I wasn’t worrying about work, and for a short time I wasn’t anxious about the future. I was simply enjoying walking around one of Cardiff’s beautiful parks, and I just wish I could do this more. In fact, I actually felt envious of those people I saw who seemed not to have a care in the world, although I’m sure many of them did. Sometimes the only time I actually switch off is when I’m out for a run. Even my dreams are filled with worries, which leaves you feeling pretty pooped the next day.
So this post is a vow to myself. I am determined to try and start living in the moment a little more. I’m trying really hard to have a cut off point for when I’m checking emails. I’m also trying to put my phone down before bed, so that I can enjoy reading a book before I sleep, something I was really good at doing earlier in the summer. I want to get out and walk, and just enjoy my surroundings, instead of rushing around and fretting about the next thing. Instead of getting up and checking my phone, I want to wake up in the morning and stand out on my balcony as the sun rises, and just want to b r e a t h e.
Life gets overwhelming for us all sometimes, and I think trying to just enjoy the moment we are in is so important. It’s definitely something I need to work on, and while I’ll never stop worrying about the future, I hope that by trying to live in the moment more I’ll feel more at peace.
Lots of love. xoxo